My grandpap passed away few weeks ago. 35 days ago, to be precise. I still remembered him every once in a while, like now. And it is quite hurtful to hear that my grandmom would still often wake up in one morning and realize for the hundredth times, that my grandpap was no longer lying besides her. Or how one day my mom would be around the house and sensed a deep loss because the house just seems very quiet nowadays.
But the strange thing is that it's not like it was noisy when my grandpap was still alive. Being very sick for the last few years and even more lately during his last months, he would just be sitting in his wheelchair, staring at the garden outside the house. Or being asked by some who would pass by him, without being able to reply back. Or just being fed a liquid food through the catheter going through his nose, without being able to respond, or to praise how my grandmom is a very great cook in the family.
I remembered him as being a loving grandpap for his grandkids. He loved every one of us so much. I remembered during our childhood, he would often ask us to play in his room, using lots of his pen inks and scrap papers and books to write, draw, anything. How he turned on the radio every single time he's inside the room. How he loved birds so much, and how he never failed to feed them every evening after coming back from his work. I remembered how he would lend my mom money to pay for my high school enrollment fees. How he would fetch me from school everyday because my mom needed to work. And how he never failed to make sure, that my brother and I would have our lunch everytime he fetched us. I failed him a lot of times though. One of them, was that I always complained, about why the lunch was always fried rice.
When he passed away, it was such a great loss for the whole family. Great loss for me.
So we tried to give the best that we could give to him for the very last time. We ordered the most beautiful coffin. We decorated the wake hall as well. For the first time ever again after few years, the whole big family came together. Those cold relationships between relatives melted. Forgave each other, supported each other. Even we had one special session where we gave testimonials and paid tribute to him for the last time. All of us were saying all the wonderful things about him, were crying because such a wonderful figure for us has left, but he never got to hear any of it. And it hurts to think of it again, that it might be the first time we ever pay tribute to him specially. And we did it because that was our last chance.
Then somehow we also took picture with 'him' for the last time. Strangely, we managed to take one big whole family picture. My grandma, the 5 children, the 13 grandkids, and many others - my grandpa's and grandma's siblings, and all other relatives. For the last time he's on earth. With the coffin.
Now, I believe that all of us would agree, that we will be willing to do almost everything for our loved ones, when it is for the one last time. When it is our last chance to do something for them before they leave, we will be willing to try our best, to give everything that they would want us to give, to make them realize how they are loved.
But how are they going to realize? How are they going to know that we tried to give him the very best we could give here on earth, while they are no longer here in the midst of us? How are they going to feel that they are loved? How are they going to see that we live in harmony with each other now that they are gone? How are they going to be happy because of all that? What good will all those things do for them?
Wouldn't it be so much better, if we forgave each other and live in harmony while he could still see it. If we gathered as one big family more often while he could still be there. If we took pictures with him more often while he could still be smiling. If we tried to make him happy more often while he could still feel it. If we said 'we love you' more often while he could still hear it. If we let him know more often how we appreciate every single thing he had done for the family. If we tried to give him the best everytime we did something for him. Then he would realize more often, how much he is loved, while he was still here on earth.
Now I'm missing my grandpap. So much. How I wish I could have more chances to let him know how much I love him. Anyway, he promised me that he would wait until my wedding day. But now that he had left, somehow I'd want him to know once again, how much I have always loved and will always love him. And somehow I hope he could still feel it.
Don't take too long to say
'I love you' to the ones you love
'Cause time has a habit of slipping away
Out on the clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain
Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory
And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to gray
And time will be the one who holds you down
And the words that seem so hard to say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say
That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment, with you
Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong
- One More Moment, Ronin
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