I am nothing. Why do I have to be something others want me to be? Why do I have to have an opinion about everything anyway? Or why do others have to have an opinion about me? Or why do I have to care?
Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you never know me
Everyday, it's as if I play apart
Now I see if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
I am now in the world
where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don't know
Must I pretend that I'm someone else
for all time
When will my reflection show who I am inside
There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel
Must there be a secret me I force to hide
I won't pretend that I'm someone else
for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside
- Reflection
Monday, April 27, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Call It: Falling in Love
When you feel so happy everytime he calls your name
Or feel so excited that you don't bother the shame
When you feel like home whenever he is around
Or find he's so comforting even though there is no sound
When you can spot him quickly in the midst of hundreds of people
And everything he does can only make your heart more crippled
If when you cannot find him and suddenly you feel lost
And you don't know how to be fine because you know you are just not
When you can't explain it just right like this
Or when you try to say it but they are all messed up, and you're frustrated
Mmm.. what do you call that? I almost forget the feeling.
You call that FALLING IN LOVE.
"Can't a girl miss a guy?"
"Yes, she can, but I just don't really have time for the pain."
- Definitely, Maybe
Or feel so excited that you don't bother the shame
When you feel like home whenever he is around
Or find he's so comforting even though there is no sound
When you can spot him quickly in the midst of hundreds of people
And everything he does can only make your heart more crippled
If when you cannot find him and suddenly you feel lost
And you don't know how to be fine because you know you are just not
When you can't explain it just right like this
Or when you try to say it but they are all messed up, and you're frustrated
Mmm.. what do you call that? I almost forget the feeling.
You call that FALLING IN LOVE.
"Can't a girl miss a guy?"
"Yes, she can, but I just don't really have time for the pain."
- Definitely, Maybe
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sebuah Refleksi yang Butuh Tindakan
Anak-anak kolong jembatan. Topik yang klise, tapi pernahkah terpikir oleh kita, seperti apa sebenarnya hidup mereka? Saya baru saja menonton Slumdog Millionaire, dan saya trenyuh melihat hidup rakyat tidak mampu yang hidup di daerah-daerah kumuh yang tidak layak ditinggali. Rumah yang hanya sepetak, berdempetan satu sama lain, yang bahkan lewat jendela, kita bisa tahu apa yang sedang dikerjakan oleh tetangga seberang. Mencuci, mandi, buang air, semuanya dilakukan di satu sarana serbaguna: sungai. Ironisnya lagi, sungai ini juga yang menjadi tempat hiburan anak-anak, di mana mereka bisa bermain air. Mungkin ada satu tempat buang air yang lebih manusiawi, di mana mereka membangun kotak-kotak seperti WC umum di tengah-tengah ladang. Saluran pembuangannya pun sangat alami dan tidak perlu teknologi tinggi: langsung nyemplung ke tanah.
Saya kurang tahu, apakah Indonesia lebih baik dari India di film itu. Tapi, di Indonesia juga, saya melihat bagaimana seorang ibu menidurkan bayinya di atas trotoar hanya dengan beralaskan kertas koran. Bagaimana anak-anak usia sekolah berkeliaran di lampu merah dan meminta-minta. Untuk berapa banyaknya uang, sih mereka berpanas-panas seperti itu? Kalau ada yang cukup peduli, paling-paling 500 perak sekali buka kaca mobil. Hey, mereka itu, seharusnya sekolah! Menikmati masa kecil, bermain, belajar. Belum lagi anak-anak yang sudah tidak punya ayah atau ibu. Tidak punya rumah, kecil-kecil harus hidup bergantung sama diri sendiri. Kebanyakan, mereka sudah tidak tahu lagi ke mana harus melangkah. Yang ada, mereka jadi terpaksa mengikuti bagaimana arus kehidupan membawa mereka.
Sedihnya, kalau masih ada orang-orang yang kepikiran memanfaatkan nasib mereka. Anak-anak ini - mereka tidak tahu dan tidak pernah diajarkan, bagaimana harus membedakan orang yang benar-benar tulus membantu mereka, dan mana yang hanya ingin memanfaatkan mereka. Tidak ada pilihan lain, tawaran apapun jadi tawaran terbaik. Segalanya diiyakan saja. Mati, ya mati.
Hasilnya, seringkali kita lihat di tengah jalan, anak-anak atau ibu-ibu dengan bayi mereka dijadikan pengamen atau peminta-minta. Gadis-gadis dijadikan pelacur dan penghibur pria. Untuk kemudian menghasilkan uang buat mereka. Kenapa? Tidak adakah hal lain yang bisa kita lakukan untuk mereka? Are they good for nothing except to get few amounts of money by doing all that? Seakan-akan, the least they can do is begging for money or selling their own bodies. Hanya karena mereka tidak pernah sekolah atau mendapatkan pendidikan, tidak berarti mereka bisa digunakan seenaknya. Jadi, kalau kita pernah merasa anak-anak jalanan ini menyebalkan, suka berbuat yang aneh-aneh, atau berbahaya - mereka hanyalah produk dari apa yang diajarkan kekerasan kehidupan kepada mereka. Atau lebih ironis lagi, kalau itu merupakan produk dari apa yang kita - sesama manusia lakukan kepada mereka.
Mungkin kita berpikir bahwa ide 'self-actualization' atau mengejar mimpi, hanya mungkin dilakukan oleh kita orang-orang terpelajar. Dan bahwa semua itu jauh sekali dari pikiran dan kehidupan mereka. Tapi apa perlu, kita meremehkan mimpi mereka? Waktu kemudian mereka bisa meraihnya, apa perlu kita mengidentikkannya dengan permainan curang, kebetulan, dan segala macam pikiran negatif yang ada? Serendah itu ya, mereka? Sebegitu tidak layaknyakah mereka untuk punya kualitas hidup seperti layaknya kita, manusia?
Mereka memang jauh di bawah sana. Kita mungkin hidup jauh dengan nyamannya di atas sini. Tapi bukankah seharusnya kita mengangkat mereka? Bukannya menempatkan mereka di sebuah kasta berbeda dari kita, di sebuah sistem sosial yang berbeda, mengecap mereka sebagai orang-orang yang tidak masuk hitungan dan selayaknya tetap berada di sana. Saya hanya teringat sekali lagi, bahwa kita hidup di dunia yang sama yang Tuhan ciptakan: buat kita, dan juga buat mereka. Hak mereka, tidak lebih dan tidak kurang dari kita.
Kita seringkali bilang, bahwa anak-anak jalanan itu berbuat tindak kejahatan atau hal-hal aneh lainnya karena mereka tidak punya pilihan. Kemudian kita dengan mudahnya bilang, bahwa 'tidak punya pilihan' adalah sebuah alasan yang klise, yang dibuat-buat. Bahwa mereka, kan tetap bisa membuat pilihan yang benar. 'Kayak engga ada jalan lain aja..' begitu kira-kira kita sering bilang. Saya baru sadar sekarang: pernahkah kita berpikir, bahwa mungkin memang tidak ada jalan lain terbuka bagi mereka? Bahwa mereka mungkin memang tidak punya pilihan. Apa hak kita untuk bilang bahwa mereka harusnya bisa membuat pilihan yang benar, sementara di sisi lain, kita bahkan tidak pernah memberikan pilihan apa-apa untuk mereka. Menengok dan peduli saja tidak cukup, mereka butuh tindakan.
Saya kurang tahu, apakah Indonesia lebih baik dari India di film itu. Tapi, di Indonesia juga, saya melihat bagaimana seorang ibu menidurkan bayinya di atas trotoar hanya dengan beralaskan kertas koran. Bagaimana anak-anak usia sekolah berkeliaran di lampu merah dan meminta-minta. Untuk berapa banyaknya uang, sih mereka berpanas-panas seperti itu? Kalau ada yang cukup peduli, paling-paling 500 perak sekali buka kaca mobil. Hey, mereka itu, seharusnya sekolah! Menikmati masa kecil, bermain, belajar. Belum lagi anak-anak yang sudah tidak punya ayah atau ibu. Tidak punya rumah, kecil-kecil harus hidup bergantung sama diri sendiri. Kebanyakan, mereka sudah tidak tahu lagi ke mana harus melangkah. Yang ada, mereka jadi terpaksa mengikuti bagaimana arus kehidupan membawa mereka.
Sedihnya, kalau masih ada orang-orang yang kepikiran memanfaatkan nasib mereka. Anak-anak ini - mereka tidak tahu dan tidak pernah diajarkan, bagaimana harus membedakan orang yang benar-benar tulus membantu mereka, dan mana yang hanya ingin memanfaatkan mereka. Tidak ada pilihan lain, tawaran apapun jadi tawaran terbaik. Segalanya diiyakan saja. Mati, ya mati.
Hasilnya, seringkali kita lihat di tengah jalan, anak-anak atau ibu-ibu dengan bayi mereka dijadikan pengamen atau peminta-minta. Gadis-gadis dijadikan pelacur dan penghibur pria. Untuk kemudian menghasilkan uang buat mereka. Kenapa? Tidak adakah hal lain yang bisa kita lakukan untuk mereka? Are they good for nothing except to get few amounts of money by doing all that? Seakan-akan, the least they can do is begging for money or selling their own bodies. Hanya karena mereka tidak pernah sekolah atau mendapatkan pendidikan, tidak berarti mereka bisa digunakan seenaknya. Jadi, kalau kita pernah merasa anak-anak jalanan ini menyebalkan, suka berbuat yang aneh-aneh, atau berbahaya - mereka hanyalah produk dari apa yang diajarkan kekerasan kehidupan kepada mereka. Atau lebih ironis lagi, kalau itu merupakan produk dari apa yang kita - sesama manusia lakukan kepada mereka.
Mungkin kita berpikir bahwa ide 'self-actualization' atau mengejar mimpi, hanya mungkin dilakukan oleh kita orang-orang terpelajar. Dan bahwa semua itu jauh sekali dari pikiran dan kehidupan mereka. Tapi apa perlu, kita meremehkan mimpi mereka? Waktu kemudian mereka bisa meraihnya, apa perlu kita mengidentikkannya dengan permainan curang, kebetulan, dan segala macam pikiran negatif yang ada? Serendah itu ya, mereka? Sebegitu tidak layaknyakah mereka untuk punya kualitas hidup seperti layaknya kita, manusia?
Mereka memang jauh di bawah sana. Kita mungkin hidup jauh dengan nyamannya di atas sini. Tapi bukankah seharusnya kita mengangkat mereka? Bukannya menempatkan mereka di sebuah kasta berbeda dari kita, di sebuah sistem sosial yang berbeda, mengecap mereka sebagai orang-orang yang tidak masuk hitungan dan selayaknya tetap berada di sana. Saya hanya teringat sekali lagi, bahwa kita hidup di dunia yang sama yang Tuhan ciptakan: buat kita, dan juga buat mereka. Hak mereka, tidak lebih dan tidak kurang dari kita.
Kita seringkali bilang, bahwa anak-anak jalanan itu berbuat tindak kejahatan atau hal-hal aneh lainnya karena mereka tidak punya pilihan. Kemudian kita dengan mudahnya bilang, bahwa 'tidak punya pilihan' adalah sebuah alasan yang klise, yang dibuat-buat. Bahwa mereka, kan tetap bisa membuat pilihan yang benar. 'Kayak engga ada jalan lain aja..' begitu kira-kira kita sering bilang. Saya baru sadar sekarang: pernahkah kita berpikir, bahwa mungkin memang tidak ada jalan lain terbuka bagi mereka? Bahwa mereka mungkin memang tidak punya pilihan. Apa hak kita untuk bilang bahwa mereka harusnya bisa membuat pilihan yang benar, sementara di sisi lain, kita bahkan tidak pernah memberikan pilihan apa-apa untuk mereka. Menengok dan peduli saja tidak cukup, mereka butuh tindakan.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Worth Pursuing
Sebenarnya, saya mau sesekali nge-post dalam bahasa Indonesia. Eh, tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, jadi mau lagi, mau lagi. Dan, saya berharap yang kali ini bisa lebih jelas maknanya.
Belum lama ini, ada seorang teman bertanya sama saya, "Tau engga, Susan Boyle?"
Ehmm. Berhubung saya memang kayaknya kurang gaul, saya bertanya balik, "Engga. Kenapa emangnya Susan Boyle?"
Terus dia ketawa. "Cari Susan Boyle, deh di internet, terus dengerin. Lagi heboh banget tuh jadi pembicaraan."
Dan saya, dengar yang heboh-heboh, langsung jadi penasaran. Buka situs tempat search video terkonvensional tapi tercepat - youtube, saya langsung cari Susan Boyle.
Kemudian, saya klik saja salah satu videonya asal-asalan. Cuma penasaran mau tahu, kaya apa sih dia memangnya. Kok bisa heboh begitu.
Dengan kesinisan seperti saya itu pun, ratusan audience dan juri bersikap sinis sama penampilan si Susan Boyle. But, wait until you see what she's got in the following few minutes.
Saya speechless. Stunned. Terpesona. Sekaligus menyesal karena sudah sinis sama dia. Padahal, kalau mau dibilang secara terus terang: There she is on that stage, realizing her long-lost dream since she was 12 despite cynical thoughts of hundreds of people before her. And at about the same time, here I am, struggling with what I call as 'not my dream at all', while my long-lost dreams were still buried somewhere deep down in my drawer. And even intending to keep burying some of them because they just seem too impossible. Ironis. Dan saya masih berani bilang dia aneh.
Saya kemudian jadi teringat sama sebuah tokoh di film Benjamin Button. Seorang perenang di masa mudanya, tokoh ini punya mimpi untuk memecahkan rekor - melintasi sebuah selat dengan berenang, dalam masa hidupnya. Tapi kemudian, di tengah perjalanan dalam membuat mimpinya jadi kenyataan, ia berhadapan dengan sebuah badai. Takut untuk terus berenang -padahal dengan beberapa orang dari tim first-aid yang terus mengikutinya dengan sebuah kapal, ia menyerah. Beberapa tahun sesudahnya, ia membagi penyesalan hidupnya kepada seorang teman:
"Until a point I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, I stopped. When people asked me whether I would want to try again next time, I said 'Why wouldn't I?' But I have never tried again. As a matter of fact, I've never done anything with my life since then."
Namun akhirnya, teman ini punya kesempatan juga untuk melihat di sebuah berita di kemudian hari: seorang perenang-yang tidak lain tidak bukan adalah temannya yang tadi saya ceritakan, mencoba kembali untuk melintasi sebuah selat di usianya yang sudah cukup berumur, dan berhasil.
Ini membuat saya sadar lagi untuk yang kesekian kalinya. Bahwa sebenarnya, apapun mimpi kita -sekalipun kita (atau orang lain) menganggapnya engga penting, engga mungkin, atau engga masuk akal, they are all worth pursuing. Let this happen to us as it happened to Susan Boyle or the role I was talking about in Benjamin Button: that at one point of our life in the future, we will be able to say, 'I was born for such a time like this!' Then we will be able to look back and regret nothing from our lives, because we have at least made our dreams come true in this lifetime.
Our dreams - they are all worth thinking about once again, worth dreaming of once again, worth picking up once again, worth pursuing once again. So let us open our drawer, search all the dreams that we have buried for all these while, because it's never too late to start all over again.
- Oh no. Post saya kali ini, sangat kacau dalam hal bahasa. Jadi campur-campur akhirnya. Maaf, maaf.
Belum lama ini, ada seorang teman bertanya sama saya, "Tau engga, Susan Boyle?"
Ehmm. Berhubung saya memang kayaknya kurang gaul, saya bertanya balik, "Engga. Kenapa emangnya Susan Boyle?"
Terus dia ketawa. "Cari Susan Boyle, deh di internet, terus dengerin. Lagi heboh banget tuh jadi pembicaraan."
Dan saya, dengar yang heboh-heboh, langsung jadi penasaran. Buka situs tempat search video terkonvensional tapi tercepat - youtube, saya langsung cari Susan Boyle.
- Oh, ternyata salah satu kontestan Britain's Got Talent toh.
Kemudian, saya klik saja salah satu videonya asal-asalan. Cuma penasaran mau tahu, kaya apa sih dia memangnya. Kok bisa heboh begitu.
- Ya, ampun. Pantesan heboh. Mungkin orang heboh ngomongin dia, karena dia salah satu dari orang-orang engga tahu malu yang coba-coba ikutan kontes sejenisnya - seperti American Idol, padahal engga bisa apa-apa. 47 tahun, dan aneh-aneh pula gayanya. Biasa, lah, ini mah.
Dengan kesinisan seperti saya itu pun, ratusan audience dan juri bersikap sinis sama penampilan si Susan Boyle. But, wait until you see what she's got in the following few minutes.
Saya speechless. Stunned. Terpesona. Sekaligus menyesal karena sudah sinis sama dia. Padahal, kalau mau dibilang secara terus terang: There she is on that stage, realizing her long-lost dream since she was 12 despite cynical thoughts of hundreds of people before her. And at about the same time, here I am, struggling with what I call as 'not my dream at all', while my long-lost dreams were still buried somewhere deep down in my drawer. And even intending to keep burying some of them because they just seem too impossible. Ironis. Dan saya masih berani bilang dia aneh.
Saya kemudian jadi teringat sama sebuah tokoh di film Benjamin Button. Seorang perenang di masa mudanya, tokoh ini punya mimpi untuk memecahkan rekor - melintasi sebuah selat dengan berenang, dalam masa hidupnya. Tapi kemudian, di tengah perjalanan dalam membuat mimpinya jadi kenyataan, ia berhadapan dengan sebuah badai. Takut untuk terus berenang -padahal dengan beberapa orang dari tim first-aid yang terus mengikutinya dengan sebuah kapal, ia menyerah. Beberapa tahun sesudahnya, ia membagi penyesalan hidupnya kepada seorang teman:
"Until a point I felt like I couldn't go anywhere, I stopped. When people asked me whether I would want to try again next time, I said 'Why wouldn't I?' But I have never tried again. As a matter of fact, I've never done anything with my life since then."
Namun akhirnya, teman ini punya kesempatan juga untuk melihat di sebuah berita di kemudian hari: seorang perenang-yang tidak lain tidak bukan adalah temannya yang tadi saya ceritakan, mencoba kembali untuk melintasi sebuah selat di usianya yang sudah cukup berumur, dan berhasil.
Ini membuat saya sadar lagi untuk yang kesekian kalinya. Bahwa sebenarnya, apapun mimpi kita -sekalipun kita (atau orang lain) menganggapnya engga penting, engga mungkin, atau engga masuk akal, they are all worth pursuing. Let this happen to us as it happened to Susan Boyle or the role I was talking about in Benjamin Button: that at one point of our life in the future, we will be able to say, 'I was born for such a time like this!' Then we will be able to look back and regret nothing from our lives, because we have at least made our dreams come true in this lifetime.
Our dreams - they are all worth thinking about once again, worth dreaming of once again, worth picking up once again, worth pursuing once again. So let us open our drawer, search all the dreams that we have buried for all these while, because it's never too late to start all over again.
- Oh no. Post saya kali ini, sangat kacau dalam hal bahasa. Jadi campur-campur akhirnya. Maaf, maaf.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Ab. Father. Dad.
The word 'father,' in Hebrew is the word 'Ab.' It means 'the source; the one who strengthens the family.' That explains why a father is the one who marks the formation of a family. And it is undeniable, that without a father, there would never be you, and there would never be me, because a father is the source. Everything in the family should have come from him, and started by him.
* * *
To Dad.
Just now I had a chat with my friend. And at this moment if you could just know what is going on in my mind and my heart, or if you could ever for a reason read what I wrote here, I just want to say this. At those times when we hoped that there was somebody that would stand for us, would even be willing to lay down his life for us, when we hoped that there would be someone who could be our strong tower in the midst of great storm, the one we could depend on. Where were you when we needed you the most? Did we even have to 'hope' for something from you? After all, you are the father. Ab, as they may say in other language, the source-so as to say. But you chose to ignore anyway.
In your mind, you might think that when we asked you for help, it was because we could do nothing without you. Then you might think that our lives will no longer be complete without you being here in the midst of us. You might think that our lives will be ruined and we do not have any directions in life the day you left home. That we would be lonely when you went away. Actually, even if that was the case, what's the problem with us thinking that we could do nothing without you? After all, you are the father. Ab, as they may say in other language, the source-so as to say. But you chose to leave anyway.
And now if I have to say, perhaps you are wrong. We are still alive, we live happily, healthily.
But if I ever had the chance to say what I have to say honestly, I just want you to know what I really felt deep inside. You might think that we could never be what we're supposed to be without you. We might say that you are wrong. That we could just live as if we'd never had you in our lives. That without you we could still be normal. But ironically, I hate to say that you are right. The fact is, things will never be what they were supposed to be without you here. Because as they say, a father is the source. And you should be the one who makes our family a family. You have started it and you can't leave it, can you? And when we could go through it all for all these times, it was not because we could do it without you. We just need to go on. And we need to live on. So if you would want to ever come back home, please come back home.
Where'd you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home
- Where'd You Go, Fort Minor
* * *
To Dad.
Just now I had a chat with my friend. And at this moment if you could just know what is going on in my mind and my heart, or if you could ever for a reason read what I wrote here, I just want to say this. At those times when we hoped that there was somebody that would stand for us, would even be willing to lay down his life for us, when we hoped that there would be someone who could be our strong tower in the midst of great storm, the one we could depend on. Where were you when we needed you the most? Did we even have to 'hope' for something from you? After all, you are the father. Ab, as they may say in other language, the source-so as to say. But you chose to ignore anyway.
In your mind, you might think that when we asked you for help, it was because we could do nothing without you. Then you might think that our lives will no longer be complete without you being here in the midst of us. You might think that our lives will be ruined and we do not have any directions in life the day you left home. That we would be lonely when you went away. Actually, even if that was the case, what's the problem with us thinking that we could do nothing without you? After all, you are the father. Ab, as they may say in other language, the source-so as to say. But you chose to leave anyway.
And now if I have to say, perhaps you are wrong. We are still alive, we live happily, healthily.
But if I ever had the chance to say what I have to say honestly, I just want you to know what I really felt deep inside. You might think that we could never be what we're supposed to be without you. We might say that you are wrong. That we could just live as if we'd never had you in our lives. That without you we could still be normal. But ironically, I hate to say that you are right. The fact is, things will never be what they were supposed to be without you here. Because as they say, a father is the source. And you should be the one who makes our family a family. You have started it and you can't leave it, can you? And when we could go through it all for all these times, it was not because we could do it without you. We just need to go on. And we need to live on. So if you would want to ever come back home, please come back home.
Where'd you go
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
That you've been gone
Please come back home
- Where'd You Go, Fort Minor
Ujian, buat apa?
Ngomong-ngomong, ini kali pertamanya saya post di blog pakai bahasa Indonesia. Bukannya sombong atau apa, tapi justru karena saya takut terlanjur dibilang aneh. Orang Indonesia, kok enggak bisa berbahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar, waktu disuruh mengungkapkan pikirannya. Padahal bahasa Indonesia, kan seharusnya menjadi bahasa ibu saya.
Kan, baru satu paragraf, saya sudah merasa enggak berguna. Inilah salah satu kesulitan saya, karena kuliah di luar negeri. Aduh, ini betul-betul bukan sombong atau apa, sekali lagi. Lagipula, asal tahu saja, kebanyakan di sini saya juga berbicara bahasa Indonesia. Roommate juga orang Indonesia, kok. Tapi, kalau giliran presentasi, atau buat surat, atau mengungkapkan pikiran dengan agak resmi dalam bahasa Indonesia, jadi aneh. Padahal, bahasa Inggris juga bukannya mantap mantap amat. Lihat post-post saya sebelumnya kan?
Yah, anyway. Besok saya ujian. Tepatnya nanti pagi, jam 9. Tapi sekarang ini lagi jenuh, suntuk rasanya pikiran. Daritadi teman saya: kertas-kertas, stabilo, pen hitam. Yang agak menggembirakan, mungkin apa yang dibilang seorang teman sebagai cemilan obsesi saya: Biskuat. Atau hiburan sepanjang masa yang toh, entah kenapa hari ini juga tidak terlalu menghibur: Facebook. Akhirnya, jadi muncul keinginan tidak lazim seperti ini: mau nge-post di blog dalam bahasa Indonesia.
Intinya, saya mau bertanya, ujian itu buat apa? Semua siswa, dari SD sampai universitas pasti pernah bertanya yang sama juga, kan. Kalau sekolah, ya semua orang tahu gunanya, untuk belajar dan mendapatkan pengetahuan. Meskipun, ada juga beberapa yang sekolah tapi tidak dapat apa-apa. Tapi, ujian? Yah, sederhananya, ujian itu untuk menguji, seberapa banyak dari pengetahuan yang pernah diajarkan, yang masuk ke otak kita. Bagi yang bisa mengerjakan ujiannya, mereka disebut siswa-siswa pintar. Berarti, mereka mengerti apa yang dipelajari. Nantinya, dapat transkrip nilai bagus dan diharapkan bisa menerapkan apa yang sudah mereka dapatkan.
Nah, bagi beberapa orang, ujian itu sendirilah yang menjadi ajang untuk memaksa diri belajar. Kemudian, berharap agar bisa mengerjakan ujian juga. Ya, mungkin beberapa bisa. Apalagi dengan tekad yang bulat belajar semalaman. Dapat nilai bagus, tapi kemudian lupa semua. Mungkin inilah salah kaprahnya. Ujian, untuk mendapatkan suatu bukti hitam di atas putih bahwa kita bisa. Padahal seharusnya, ujian itu hanya salah satu bagian dari proses belajar itu sendiri. Ya, kan?
Kan, baru satu paragraf, saya sudah merasa enggak berguna. Inilah salah satu kesulitan saya, karena kuliah di luar negeri. Aduh, ini betul-betul bukan sombong atau apa, sekali lagi. Lagipula, asal tahu saja, kebanyakan di sini saya juga berbicara bahasa Indonesia. Roommate juga orang Indonesia, kok. Tapi, kalau giliran presentasi, atau buat surat, atau mengungkapkan pikiran dengan agak resmi dalam bahasa Indonesia, jadi aneh. Padahal, bahasa Inggris juga bukannya mantap mantap amat. Lihat post-post saya sebelumnya kan?
Yah, anyway. Besok saya ujian. Tepatnya nanti pagi, jam 9. Tapi sekarang ini lagi jenuh, suntuk rasanya pikiran. Daritadi teman saya: kertas-kertas, stabilo, pen hitam. Yang agak menggembirakan, mungkin apa yang dibilang seorang teman sebagai cemilan obsesi saya: Biskuat. Atau hiburan sepanjang masa yang toh, entah kenapa hari ini juga tidak terlalu menghibur: Facebook. Akhirnya, jadi muncul keinginan tidak lazim seperti ini: mau nge-post di blog dalam bahasa Indonesia.
Intinya, saya mau bertanya, ujian itu buat apa? Semua siswa, dari SD sampai universitas pasti pernah bertanya yang sama juga, kan. Kalau sekolah, ya semua orang tahu gunanya, untuk belajar dan mendapatkan pengetahuan. Meskipun, ada juga beberapa yang sekolah tapi tidak dapat apa-apa. Tapi, ujian? Yah, sederhananya, ujian itu untuk menguji, seberapa banyak dari pengetahuan yang pernah diajarkan, yang masuk ke otak kita. Bagi yang bisa mengerjakan ujiannya, mereka disebut siswa-siswa pintar. Berarti, mereka mengerti apa yang dipelajari. Nantinya, dapat transkrip nilai bagus dan diharapkan bisa menerapkan apa yang sudah mereka dapatkan.
Nah, bagi beberapa orang, ujian itu sendirilah yang menjadi ajang untuk memaksa diri belajar. Kemudian, berharap agar bisa mengerjakan ujian juga. Ya, mungkin beberapa bisa. Apalagi dengan tekad yang bulat belajar semalaman. Dapat nilai bagus, tapi kemudian lupa semua. Mungkin inilah salah kaprahnya. Ujian, untuk mendapatkan suatu bukti hitam di atas putih bahwa kita bisa. Padahal seharusnya, ujian itu hanya salah satu bagian dari proses belajar itu sendiri. Ya, kan?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
About Loss, Love, and Life
My grandpap passed away few weeks ago. 35 days ago, to be precise. I still remembered him every once in a while, like now. And it is quite hurtful to hear that my grandmom would still often wake up in one morning and realize for the hundredth times, that my grandpap was no longer lying besides her. Or how one day my mom would be around the house and sensed a deep loss because the house just seems very quiet nowadays.
But the strange thing is that it's not like it was noisy when my grandpap was still alive. Being very sick for the last few years and even more lately during his last months, he would just be sitting in his wheelchair, staring at the garden outside the house. Or being asked by some who would pass by him, without being able to reply back. Or just being fed a liquid food through the catheter going through his nose, without being able to respond, or to praise how my grandmom is a very great cook in the family.
I remembered him as being a loving grandpap for his grandkids. He loved every one of us so much. I remembered during our childhood, he would often ask us to play in his room, using lots of his pen inks and scrap papers and books to write, draw, anything. How he turned on the radio every single time he's inside the room. How he loved birds so much, and how he never failed to feed them every evening after coming back from his work. I remembered how he would lend my mom money to pay for my high school enrollment fees. How he would fetch me from school everyday because my mom needed to work. And how he never failed to make sure, that my brother and I would have our lunch everytime he fetched us. I failed him a lot of times though. One of them, was that I always complained, about why the lunch was always fried rice.
When he passed away, it was such a great loss for the whole family. Great loss for me.
So we tried to give the best that we could give to him for the very last time. We ordered the most beautiful coffin. We decorated the wake hall as well. For the first time ever again after few years, the whole big family came together. Those cold relationships between relatives melted. Forgave each other, supported each other. Even we had one special session where we gave testimonials and paid tribute to him for the last time. All of us were saying all the wonderful things about him, were crying because such a wonderful figure for us has left, but he never got to hear any of it. And it hurts to think of it again, that it might be the first time we ever pay tribute to him specially. And we did it because that was our last chance.
Then somehow we also took picture with 'him' for the last time. Strangely, we managed to take one big whole family picture. My grandma, the 5 children, the 13 grandkids, and many others - my grandpa's and grandma's siblings, and all other relatives. For the last time he's on earth. With the coffin.
Now, I believe that all of us would agree, that we will be willing to do almost everything for our loved ones, when it is for the one last time. When it is our last chance to do something for them before they leave, we will be willing to try our best, to give everything that they would want us to give, to make them realize how they are loved.
But how are they going to realize? How are they going to know that we tried to give him the very best we could give here on earth, while they are no longer here in the midst of us? How are they going to feel that they are loved? How are they going to see that we live in harmony with each other now that they are gone? How are they going to be happy because of all that? What good will all those things do for them?
Wouldn't it be so much better, if we forgave each other and live in harmony while he could still see it. If we gathered as one big family more often while he could still be there. If we took pictures with him more often while he could still be smiling. If we tried to make him happy more often while he could still feel it. If we said 'we love you' more often while he could still hear it. If we let him know more often how we appreciate every single thing he had done for the family. If we tried to give him the best everytime we did something for him. Then he would realize more often, how much he is loved, while he was still here on earth.
Now I'm missing my grandpap. So much. How I wish I could have more chances to let him know how much I love him. Anyway, he promised me that he would wait until my wedding day. But now that he had left, somehow I'd want him to know once again, how much I have always loved and will always love him. And somehow I hope he could still feel it.
Don't take too long to say
'I love you' to the ones you love
'Cause time has a habit of slipping away
Out on the clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain
Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory
And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to gray
And time will be the one who holds you down
And the words that seem so hard to say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say
That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment, with you
Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong
- One More Moment, Ronin
But the strange thing is that it's not like it was noisy when my grandpap was still alive. Being very sick for the last few years and even more lately during his last months, he would just be sitting in his wheelchair, staring at the garden outside the house. Or being asked by some who would pass by him, without being able to reply back. Or just being fed a liquid food through the catheter going through his nose, without being able to respond, or to praise how my grandmom is a very great cook in the family.
I remembered him as being a loving grandpap for his grandkids. He loved every one of us so much. I remembered during our childhood, he would often ask us to play in his room, using lots of his pen inks and scrap papers and books to write, draw, anything. How he turned on the radio every single time he's inside the room. How he loved birds so much, and how he never failed to feed them every evening after coming back from his work. I remembered how he would lend my mom money to pay for my high school enrollment fees. How he would fetch me from school everyday because my mom needed to work. And how he never failed to make sure, that my brother and I would have our lunch everytime he fetched us. I failed him a lot of times though. One of them, was that I always complained, about why the lunch was always fried rice.
When he passed away, it was such a great loss for the whole family. Great loss for me.
So we tried to give the best that we could give to him for the very last time. We ordered the most beautiful coffin. We decorated the wake hall as well. For the first time ever again after few years, the whole big family came together. Those cold relationships between relatives melted. Forgave each other, supported each other. Even we had one special session where we gave testimonials and paid tribute to him for the last time. All of us were saying all the wonderful things about him, were crying because such a wonderful figure for us has left, but he never got to hear any of it. And it hurts to think of it again, that it might be the first time we ever pay tribute to him specially. And we did it because that was our last chance.
Then somehow we also took picture with 'him' for the last time. Strangely, we managed to take one big whole family picture. My grandma, the 5 children, the 13 grandkids, and many others - my grandpa's and grandma's siblings, and all other relatives. For the last time he's on earth. With the coffin.
Now, I believe that all of us would agree, that we will be willing to do almost everything for our loved ones, when it is for the one last time. When it is our last chance to do something for them before they leave, we will be willing to try our best, to give everything that they would want us to give, to make them realize how they are loved.
But how are they going to realize? How are they going to know that we tried to give him the very best we could give here on earth, while they are no longer here in the midst of us? How are they going to feel that they are loved? How are they going to see that we live in harmony with each other now that they are gone? How are they going to be happy because of all that? What good will all those things do for them?
Wouldn't it be so much better, if we forgave each other and live in harmony while he could still see it. If we gathered as one big family more often while he could still be there. If we took pictures with him more often while he could still be smiling. If we tried to make him happy more often while he could still feel it. If we said 'we love you' more often while he could still hear it. If we let him know more often how we appreciate every single thing he had done for the family. If we tried to give him the best everytime we did something for him. Then he would realize more often, how much he is loved, while he was still here on earth.
Now I'm missing my grandpap. So much. How I wish I could have more chances to let him know how much I love him. Anyway, he promised me that he would wait until my wedding day. But now that he had left, somehow I'd want him to know once again, how much I have always loved and will always love him. And somehow I hope he could still feel it.
Don't take too long to say
'I love you' to the ones you love
'Cause time has a habit of slipping away
Out on the clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain
Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory
And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to gray
And time will be the one who holds you down
And the words that seem so hard to say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say
That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment, with you
Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong
- One More Moment, Ronin
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Final Solution
In 1938, Adolf Hitler came with an answer to get rid of the Jews throughout Europe along with other races that were believed to be sub-human, including the Slavs, Gypsies, Homosexuals, the mentally ill and disabled. The answer resulted in what was viewed by the whole world as holocaust and massive genocide of human beings. This answer was called the Final Solution.
Now was the Final Solution really the final solution? Ironically what were considered sub-human were annihilated by what was inhuman. Not even a human, if I may say. We concern so much about whether some people are at the same level as we are, and who are not. We concerned so much about this superiority and inferiority. But have we ever concerned about our moral values? We are not any better than anybody. Who are we to put judgements on people?
Then, what if science discovered a genetic cure for the moral defects of mankind? Sin would no longer be an option. The world would be a better place. Or so it seems.
Will this be the Final Solution to all the problems in society?
Now was the Final Solution really the final solution? Ironically what were considered sub-human were annihilated by what was inhuman. Not even a human, if I may say. We concern so much about whether some people are at the same level as we are, and who are not. We concerned so much about this superiority and inferiority. But have we ever concerned about our moral values? We are not any better than anybody. Who are we to put judgements on people?
Then, what if science discovered a genetic cure for the moral defects of mankind? Sin would no longer be an option. The world would be a better place. Or so it seems.
Will this be the Final Solution to all the problems in society?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Unconditional Love
"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
- from The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
Just suddenly being reminded again today. Many times, we love somebody because of a reason. Just mention some names in our circle of relationships. She is my best friend because she can understand the deepest me. I love talking to him because we have inexplicable connection. I love them because they are so fun to be with. And other whole long lists of other people with other reasons, which tend to complement each other with different qualities according to our standard of being the happiest person on earth because of the people we love.
But if only we can remove all the things that these people can give to our life, even if we need to love them at the expense of ourselves, ask. Can we still love them as much?
That is unconditional love. When there is nothing they can do to make you love them less. And when you can do it, you are indeed the happiest person on earth because of the people you love.
But even so, I love you anyway
No matter how things have gone
You always have me
- I Love You Anyway, Mocca
- from The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
Just suddenly being reminded again today. Many times, we love somebody because of a reason. Just mention some names in our circle of relationships. She is my best friend because she can understand the deepest me. I love talking to him because we have inexplicable connection. I love them because they are so fun to be with. And other whole long lists of other people with other reasons, which tend to complement each other with different qualities according to our standard of being the happiest person on earth because of the people we love.
But if only we can remove all the things that these people can give to our life, even if we need to love them at the expense of ourselves, ask. Can we still love them as much?
That is unconditional love. When there is nothing they can do to make you love them less. And when you can do it, you are indeed the happiest person on earth because of the people you love.
But even so, I love you anyway
No matter how things have gone
You always have me
- I Love You Anyway, Mocca
Thursday, April 2, 2009
FYP Final Report_Renny Savitri.docx
Somehow, I want to appreciate the file name of my FYP final report.
Two days ago, I submitted the final report of my final year project. And it was just when I typed those words above on the cover page, then I realized this.
What actually degree is all about. Up to now, I have been giving more than 90% of the years of my life on earth to school -to study, from elementary, high schools, and now a university student- and in one day, everything I gained throughout these entire years will be summarized by one report.
Think about this. I have been struggling especially in these past few months to make this report happen -restless days, sleepless nights, not to mention the loss of weight and other kinds of stuff that are capable of making you die young, they say- But what are they for actually? And why was I willing to struggle that way? And to my surprise, the answer was this. Being clearly written on the cover page of my report, it was submitted for the fulfillment of the degree of bachelor of engineering. Oh yes, to be honest, how I wish I never wanted the degree from the beginning. Then perhaps I wouldn't need to suck these stuffs up for these entire years. But still, here I am, trying to give my best. And everything I did, was basically done for the degree right? What I have fought for, it was all for the sake of getting that one degree. One title - Bachelor of Engineering.
As I was thinking about this, that this one document, these 62 pieces of paper will determine whether or not I'm qualified to get the degree, I began to think. That in that case, this report had better be a good one. In there, are those hard works I have been enduring, and ironically enough, if I don't endure this 62 pages of report, all the things I have endured for years might seem useless. That, was what gave me the spirit to go all out for the report, for one more time. Final push, and that's it. Then you will never need to regret the years you've spent for the degree. Especially when you wish you never wanted that degree. For me, this is how I compensate myself. Not by doing less, but by doing even more.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Randy Pausch
Submitted in Partial Fulfillment
for the Degree of Bachelor or Engineering
of Nanyang Technological University
by
Renny Savitri
for the Degree of Bachelor or Engineering
of Nanyang Technological University
by
Renny Savitri
Two days ago, I submitted the final report of my final year project. And it was just when I typed those words above on the cover page, then I realized this.
What actually degree is all about. Up to now, I have been giving more than 90% of the years of my life on earth to school -to study, from elementary, high schools, and now a university student- and in one day, everything I gained throughout these entire years will be summarized by one report.
Think about this. I have been struggling especially in these past few months to make this report happen -restless days, sleepless nights, not to mention the loss of weight and other kinds of stuff that are capable of making you die young, they say- But what are they for actually? And why was I willing to struggle that way? And to my surprise, the answer was this. Being clearly written on the cover page of my report, it was submitted for the fulfillment of the degree of bachelor of engineering. Oh yes, to be honest, how I wish I never wanted the degree from the beginning. Then perhaps I wouldn't need to suck these stuffs up for these entire years. But still, here I am, trying to give my best. And everything I did, was basically done for the degree right? What I have fought for, it was all for the sake of getting that one degree. One title - Bachelor of Engineering.
As I was thinking about this, that this one document, these 62 pieces of paper will determine whether or not I'm qualified to get the degree, I began to think. That in that case, this report had better be a good one. In there, are those hard works I have been enduring, and ironically enough, if I don't endure this 62 pages of report, all the things I have endured for years might seem useless. That, was what gave me the spirit to go all out for the report, for one more time. Final push, and that's it. Then you will never need to regret the years you've spent for the degree. Especially when you wish you never wanted that degree. For me, this is how I compensate myself. Not by doing less, but by doing even more.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Randy Pausch
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)