Upset

Honestly, I'm very upset. I'm very upset with the way things are; I'm very upset with the fact that I can do nothing to change any of it; I'm very upset with the fact that I might regret some of the decisions I made in life and the fact that sometimes it is too late to change it and turn things around. I'm very upset with the fact that I can't be thankful enough, that everything seems not to be good enough for me. I'm very upset with the fact that I want to please everyone around me, while I myself feel very tired of it. I'm very upset with the fact that I know that everything works together for good for me and that everything happens for a reason, but at the same time question whether any of it works in my life. And I'm very upset with the way people seem too concerned with myself and my life; and the fact that they think they need to help me. And I'm very upset, too, with the fact that I think I don't need any help from anybody. I'm very upset about all these.

And perhaps the root problem is this; that I can't even answer the simplest question that I should have in the very first place before I even do anything: What do I really want? What am I really looking for?

Through all this time I have been thinking that I could just walk it off. I could just let it be, let the question find its answer by itself; that as time goes by, I could figure the answer out without me having to really sit down and think about it. I have been thinking that too much to think is not good. To ponder about something too much is too melancholic. Just let the days go by on its own, and you can see the big picture eventually. But let me be honest on this. Every single time, I always find myself go back to square one. Until now, I'm still not so sure what I want in life. I don't know what I'm looking for in life. And by that I mean, I don't know what I need to have in my life, before I can proudly say, "I have a great life, I don't need to compare anything in my life with others', I have everything I'm looking for. Because people say that I'm fortunate. But sometimes I could hardly see it. And I'm very upset about it; about the very sad fact that I can't see my life as good as others see it. Too pathetic. Just because I can't figure out perhaps that very small piece of jigsaw in my life. And really, I don't want to live the rest of my life not knowing what it is. So if that means I need to search all over again, I will. But I need to know that this time, it would be the last one.