Upset

Honestly, I'm very upset. I'm very upset with the way things are; I'm very upset with the fact that I can do nothing to change any of it; I'm very upset with the fact that I might regret some of the decisions I made in life and the fact that sometimes it is too late to change it and turn things around. I'm very upset with the fact that I can't be thankful enough, that everything seems not to be good enough for me. I'm very upset with the fact that I want to please everyone around me, while I myself feel very tired of it. I'm very upset with the fact that I know that everything works together for good for me and that everything happens for a reason, but at the same time question whether any of it works in my life. And I'm very upset with the way people seem too concerned with myself and my life; and the fact that they think they need to help me. And I'm very upset, too, with the fact that I think I don't need any help from anybody. I'm very upset about all these.

And perhaps the root problem is this; that I can't even answer the simplest question that I should have in the very first place before I even do anything: What do I really want? What am I really looking for?

Through all this time I have been thinking that I could just walk it off. I could just let it be, let the question find its answer by itself; that as time goes by, I could figure the answer out without me having to really sit down and think about it. I have been thinking that too much to think is not good. To ponder about something too much is too melancholic. Just let the days go by on its own, and you can see the big picture eventually. But let me be honest on this. Every single time, I always find myself go back to square one. Until now, I'm still not so sure what I want in life. I don't know what I'm looking for in life. And by that I mean, I don't know what I need to have in my life, before I can proudly say, "I have a great life, I don't need to compare anything in my life with others', I have everything I'm looking for. Because people say that I'm fortunate. But sometimes I could hardly see it. And I'm very upset about it; about the very sad fact that I can't see my life as good as others see it. Too pathetic. Just because I can't figure out perhaps that very small piece of jigsaw in my life. And really, I don't want to live the rest of my life not knowing what it is. So if that means I need to search all over again, I will. But I need to know that this time, it would be the last one.

Happy New Year!

As we're coming into the new year in a couple of days -just as usual, and just like what everybody does; it's been like a tradition rather- everyone of us must have come out with a new resolution. Some of us would ponder again, how we want to become in the next coming year. Some of us would flash back; think all over again, what we have done wrong, how we can be better in the future. And the date 31st of December and 1st of January would be just the sacred dates for us, whereby we think it's really important to commit something with ourselves on those two days. So actually, for everyone of us (most of us, at least), we find it very important to leave something behind and to begin something new; to be given a second chance to try our better every single time.

So here we are. At the brim of the year 2009. In front of us lies a vast, blank pages of 2010. Looking back at the year 2009, I still can't believe I can be here. I must say, it's been an amazing year. I had my bests, and I had my worsts. I had my highs, and I had my lows. I had my laughs, and I had my tears. But on top of it all, by grace, I went forward.

So as we are making our lists of resolution, let us think what needs to be done. Someone said, the not-to-do lists are just as important as the t0-do lists. And after all that's been said and done, like a song says, cherish the life. Live, laugh, love. Happy New Year!

I have been to sorrow, I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tommorow I can only guess
Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Forward, always forward, I go

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

Forward, always forward
Onward, always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been

- Journey, Lea Salonga

Mau Sampai Kapan

Dia duduk, beranjak, berjalan, hampir berlari. Hampir menangis, tapi hatinya berkata, buat apa? Hampir marah, sebelum ia akhirnya sadar, memang begitu, kan keadaannya?

Dia lelah. Dia lelah harus terpaksa menyerah terus sama keadaan. Dia lelah dengan ketidakberdayaan memilih. Dia lelah dengan dikte yang -mungkin enggak secara langsung diberikan kepadanya, tapi secara pasti. Dia lelah dengan yang namanya komentar. Dia lelah dengan menunggu. Dia lelah dengan yang namanya persistensi. Dan dia hampir lelah dengan yang namanya mimpi dan segala cara mewujudkannya. Dan stop, jangan ada yang seenaknya menyalahkan dia. Setidaknya untuk sekarang ini.

Yes, this is a dedication for you

Not trying to become so melancholic, but right now I do feel I need to say some things about all my friends. And to all my friends. I need to say sorry, to say thank you, to say I love you, to say you're amazing, to say you're everything, that I might not be able to express it to you all one by one without missing anyone. But if you ever read my blog, and this posting, yes, you're it. You are exactly who I am talking about here. You are one of the wonderful friends that has filled my life with all that it has to offer me. You are one of the amazing friends from which I learn about many things -life and death, meet and farewell, coming and going, love and hate, heartache and forgiveness, sadness and joy, loneliness and togetherness, indifference and care, desperation and hope, past and future and dream -all. And because of you, I am rich. You might not realize it, but trust me, you are one of those people who has made me who I am today. You are one of those people who have peeled me off my skins, dig deep down inside of me, help me to find myself.

It is, a blessing to have friends like you in my life; and to be called your friend, is my privilege. You might have walked away, and some of you might have stayed; some might have been staying, and the others will still stay. But to every single one of you -for the time we have spent together and for the time we will spend, to ever have you in this rich life is a blessing I wouldn't want to trade.

Love,
Renny :)

17 Agustus 1945-2009

Sebagai orang Indonesia yang 'terbuang' ke negara lain kayak saya ini, suasana 17 Agustus-an jadi benar-benar langka. Jangankan lomba-lomba atau arak-arakan yang seringkali bisa kita lihat di RT-RT. Atau upacara kemerdekaan di Istana Negara yang biasanya bisa kita tonton di RCTI (meskipun stasiun televisi nasionalnya sebenarnya TVRI). Lagu Indonesia Raya-nya pun, engga akan terdengar kalau bukan kita-kita juga yang menyanyikannya.

Tahun ini, sekali lagi saya engga di Indonesia ketika Indonesia merayakan hari ulang tahunnya. Bersyukur, saya masih bisa merayakan 17 Agustus-an sama teman-teman lain yang senasib sepenanggungan di sini. Dan saya cuma mau bilang sekali lagi tanpa bermaksud untuk terkesan begitu patriotis: seberapa pun jauhnya saya dari Indonesia; seberapa suksesnya pun saya di negara lain, Indonesia akan tetap menjadi tanah air saya. Merdeka!

Indonesia, tanah air beta
Pusaka, abadi nan jaya
Indonesia sejak dulu kala
Tetap dipuja-puja bangsa

Di sana, tempat lahir beta
Dibuai, dibesarkan bunda
Tempat berlindung di hari tua
Sampai akhir menutup mata