Ujian, buat apa?

Ngomong-ngomong, ini kali pertamanya saya post di blog pakai bahasa Indonesia. Bukannya sombong atau apa, tapi justru karena saya takut terlanjur dibilang aneh. Orang Indonesia, kok enggak bisa berbahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar, waktu disuruh mengungkapkan pikirannya. Padahal bahasa Indonesia, kan seharusnya menjadi bahasa ibu saya.

Kan, baru satu paragraf, saya sudah merasa enggak berguna. Inilah salah satu kesulitan saya, karena kuliah di luar negeri. Aduh, ini betul-betul bukan sombong atau apa, sekali lagi. Lagipula, asal tahu saja, kebanyakan di sini saya juga berbicara bahasa Indonesia. Roommate juga orang Indonesia, kok. Tapi, kalau giliran presentasi, atau buat surat, atau mengungkapkan pikiran dengan agak resmi dalam bahasa Indonesia, jadi aneh. Padahal, bahasa Inggris juga bukannya mantap mantap amat. Lihat post-post saya sebelumnya kan?

Yah, anyway. Besok saya ujian. Tepatnya nanti pagi, jam 9. Tapi sekarang ini lagi jenuh, suntuk rasanya pikiran. Daritadi teman saya: kertas-kertas, stabilo, pen hitam. Yang agak menggembirakan, mungkin apa yang dibilang seorang teman sebagai cemilan obsesi saya: Biskuat. Atau hiburan sepanjang masa yang toh, entah kenapa hari ini juga tidak terlalu menghibur: Facebook. Akhirnya, jadi muncul keinginan tidak lazim seperti ini: mau nge-post di blog dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Intinya, saya mau bertanya, ujian itu buat apa? Semua siswa, dari SD sampai universitas pasti pernah bertanya yang sama juga, kan. Kalau sekolah, ya semua orang tahu gunanya, untuk belajar dan mendapatkan pengetahuan. Meskipun, ada juga beberapa yang sekolah tapi tidak dapat apa-apa. Tapi, ujian? Yah, sederhananya, ujian itu untuk menguji, seberapa banyak dari pengetahuan yang pernah diajarkan, yang masuk ke otak kita. Bagi yang bisa mengerjakan ujiannya, mereka disebut siswa-siswa pintar. Berarti, mereka mengerti apa yang dipelajari. Nantinya, dapat transkrip nilai bagus dan diharapkan bisa menerapkan apa yang sudah mereka dapatkan.

Nah, bagi beberapa orang, ujian itu sendirilah yang menjadi ajang untuk memaksa diri belajar. Kemudian, berharap agar bisa mengerjakan ujian juga. Ya, mungkin beberapa bisa. Apalagi dengan tekad yang bulat belajar semalaman. Dapat nilai bagus, tapi kemudian lupa semua. Mungkin inilah salah kaprahnya. Ujian, untuk mendapatkan suatu bukti hitam di atas putih bahwa kita bisa. Padahal seharusnya, ujian itu hanya salah satu bagian dari proses belajar itu sendiri. Ya, kan?

About Loss, Love, and Life

My grandpap passed away few weeks ago. 35 days ago, to be precise. I still remembered him every once in a while, like now. And it is quite hurtful to hear that my grandmom would still often wake up in one morning and realize for the hundredth times, that my grandpap was no longer lying besides her. Or how one day my mom would be around the house and sensed a deep loss because the house just seems very quiet nowadays.

But the strange thing is that it's not like it was noisy when my grandpap was still alive. Being very sick for the last few years and even more lately during his last months, he would just be sitting in his wheelchair, staring at the garden outside the house. Or being asked by some who would pass by him, without being able to reply back. Or just being fed a liquid food through the catheter going through his nose, without being able to respond, or to praise how my grandmom is a very great cook in the family.

I remembered him as being a loving grandpap for his grandkids. He loved every one of us so much. I remembered during our childhood, he would often ask us to play in his room, using lots of his pen inks and scrap papers and books to write, draw, anything. How he turned on the radio every single time he's inside the room. How he loved birds so much, and how he never failed to feed them every evening after coming back from his work. I remembered how he would lend my mom money to pay for my high school enrollment fees. How he would fetch me from school everyday because my mom needed to work. And how he never failed to make sure, that my brother and I would have our lunch everytime he fetched us. I failed him a lot of times though. One of them, was that I always complained, about why the lunch was always fried rice.

When he passed away, it was such a great loss for the whole family. Great loss for me.
So we tried to give the best that we could give to him for the very last time. We ordered the most beautiful coffin. We decorated the wake hall as well. For the first time ever again after few years, the whole big family came together. Those cold relationships between relatives melted. Forgave each other, supported each other. Even we had one special session where we gave testimonials and paid tribute to him for the last time. All of us were saying all the wonderful things about him, were crying because such a wonderful figure for us has left, but he never got to hear any of it. And it hurts to think of it again, that it might be the first time we ever pay tribute to him specially. And we did it because that was our last chance.

Then somehow we also took picture with 'him' for the last time. Strangely, we managed to take one big whole family picture. My grandma, the 5 children, the 13 grandkids, and many others - my grandpa's and grandma's siblings, and all other relatives. For the last time he's on earth. With the coffin.

Now, I believe that all of us would agree, that we will be willing to do almost everything for our loved ones, when it is for the one last time. When it is our last chance to do something for them before they leave, we will be willing to try our best, to give everything that they would want us to give, to make them realize how they are loved.

But how are they going to realize? How are they going to know that we tried to give him the very best we could give here on earth, while they are no longer here in the midst of us? How are they going to feel that they are loved? How are they going to see that we live in harmony with each other now that they are gone? How are they going to be happy because of all that? What good will all those things do for them?

Wouldn't it be so much better, if we forgave each other and live in harmony while he could still see it. If we gathered as one big family more often while he could still be there. If we took pictures with him more often while he could still be smiling. If we tried to make him happy more often while he could still feel it. If we said 'we love you' more often while he could still hear it. If we let him know more often how we appreciate every single thing he had done for the family. If we tried to give him the best everytime we did something for him. Then he would realize more often, how much he is loved, while he was still here on earth.

Now I'm missing my grandpap. So much. How I wish I could have more chances to let him know how much I love him. Anyway, he promised me that he would wait until my wedding day. But now that he had left, somehow I'd want him to know once again, how much I have always loved and will always love him. And somehow I hope he could still feel it.

Don't take too long to say
'I love you' to the ones you love
'Cause time has a habit of slipping away
Out on the clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain

Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory
And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to gray
And time will be the one who holds you down

And the words that seem so hard to say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say

That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment, with you

Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong

- One More Moment, Ronin

Final Solution

In 1938, Adolf Hitler came with an answer to get rid of the Jews throughout Europe along with other races that were believed to be sub-human, including the Slavs, Gypsies, Homosexuals, the mentally ill and disabled. The answer resulted in what was viewed by the whole world as holocaust and massive genocide of human beings. This answer was called the Final Solution.

Now was the Final Solution really the final solution? Ironically what were considered sub-human were annihilated by what was inhuman. Not even a human, if I may say. We concern so much about whether some people are at the same level as we are, and who are not. We concerned so much about this superiority and inferiority. But have we ever concerned about our moral values? We are not any better than anybody. Who are we to put judgements on people?

Then, what if science discovered a genetic cure for the moral defects of mankind? Sin would no longer be an option. The world would be a better place. Or so it seems.

Will this be the Final Solution to all the problems in society?

Unconditional Love

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."
- from The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

Just suddenly being reminded again today. Many times, we love somebody because of a reason. Just mention some names in our circle of relationships. She is my best friend because she can understand the deepest me. I love talking to him because we have inexplicable connection. I love them because they are so fun to be with. And other whole long lists of other people with other reasons, which tend to complement each other with different qualities according to our standard of being the happiest person on earth because of the people we love.

But if only we can remove all the things that these people can give to our life, even if we need to love them at the expense of ourselves, ask. Can we still love them as much?

That is unconditional love. When there is nothing they can do to make you love them less. And when you can do it, you are indeed the happiest person on earth because of the people you love.

But even so, I love you anyway
No matter how things have gone
You always have me

- I Love You Anyway, Mocca

FYP Final Report_Renny Savitri.docx

Somehow, I want to appreciate the file name of my FYP final report.

Submitted in Partial Fulfillment
for the Degree of Bachelor or Engineering
of Nanyang Technological University
by
Renny Savitri

Two days ago, I submitted the final report of my final year project. And it was just when I typed those words above on the cover page, then I realized this.

What actually degree is all about. Up to now, I have been giving more than 90% of the years of my life on earth to school -to study, from elementary, high schools, and now a university student- and in one day, everything I gained throughout these entire years will be summarized by one report.

Think about this. I have been struggling especially in these past few months to make this report happen -restless days, sleepless nights, not to mention the loss of weight and other kinds of stuff that are capable of making you die young, they say- But what are they for actually? And why was I willing to struggle that way? And to my surprise, the answer was this. Being clearly written on the cover page of my report, it was submitted for the fulfillment of the degree of bachelor of engineering. Oh yes, to be honest, how I wish I never wanted the degree from the beginning. Then perhaps I wouldn't need to suck these stuffs up for these entire years. But still, here I am, trying to give my best. And everything I did, was basically done for the degree right? What I have fought for, it was all for the sake of getting that one degree. One title - Bachelor of Engineering.

As I was thinking about this, that this one document, these 62 pieces of paper will determine whether or not I'm qualified to get the degree, I began to think. That in that case, this report had better be a good one. In there, are those hard works I have been enduring, and ironically enough, if I don't endure this 62 pages of report, all the things I have endured for years might seem useless. That, was what gave me the spirit to go all out for the report, for one more time. Final push, and that's it. Then you will never need to regret the years you've spent for the degree. Especially when you wish you never wanted that degree. For me, this is how I compensate myself. Not by doing less, but by doing even more.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Randy Pausch